Mumblings of a crazy woman

 Ok, so being an adult is so weird. It's even weirder in the era of social media. What's even weirder than just being an adult, is trying to make friends as an adult.  So I moved here three years ago, knowing basically no one. Sounds fun right? Wrong. It was very anxiety inducing trying to navigate an entire new life at the age of 30blah blah years old, and trying to figure out how to make friends. **which to tell you the truth I still haven't figured out**. It's not like grade school where you just sat beside someone and they had a cool lunchbox and you had extra snacks and you just became friends. I spend 8+ hours in my office where I don't even eat a lunch most days **but that's a story for another day**, with other adults who I'm not entirely sure I don't  annoy with my chitter-chatter about my animals, or my kids, or my sarcasm.  And then there is this whole para-social relationship world, where you can literally message and talk to people you have ...

 So I think the worst part of having a mental illness is the constant need I feel to hide it. I made jokes all the time about being slightly unhinged, that I take meds to keep me from becoming fully unhinged. **enter my need to always be the comic relief in awkward situations** I haven't slept an actual full nights sleep in so long, I think I forget what it feels like to not be tired. My brain never quiets down. Even when I do something normal like wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, my brain says "why are we up? Are the kids ok? Are we ok? Hear that? Someone is outside. Should we check that out? Remember that time you did such and such? I bet people still laugh about that."  I pretend every single morning that I slept ok, that I wasn't up for an hour panicking because one time in grade school I probably farted and someone heard it and they probably still talk about it. I live on this fine line that I have worked very hard to maintain. A line where...

 Hello all! So bare with me because I am the worst at blogging. I have started blogs, posted, get no views and then forget they exist. But I think it's come a time in my life where I want to "blog" for my mental health.  So welcome!  I'm a 40-something mom of three boys, a hobby homesteader and a full time home oxygen Respiratory Therapist. Oh, and I also am an anxiety and depression warrior who deals daily with an eating disorder. I'm the whole package! My goal with this blog is to take my readers on a journey into my world, bring you into the chaos I thrive on daily... or survive in, because some days it's more thriving than surviving. I can't promise it will be good reading, I can't promise that anything I post won't borderline on insane, but I can promise that sometimes it'll be funny, sometimes it'll be sad, but mostly it'll give a light to anyone feeling like me... confused, lost, lonely, broken.  So I hope you come on this journe...