Too many tabs open...

 So I think the worst part of having a mental illness is the constant need I feel to hide it. I made jokes all the time about being slightly unhinged, that I take meds to keep me from becoming fully unhinged. **enter my need to always be the comic relief in awkward situations** I haven't slept an actual full nights sleep in so long, I think I forget what it feels like to not be tired. My brain never quiets down. Even when I do something normal like wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, my brain says "why are we up? Are the kids ok? Are we ok? Hear that? Someone is outside. Should we check that out? Remember that time you did such and such? I bet people still laugh about that." 

I pretend every single morning that I slept ok, that I wasn't up for an hour panicking because one time in grade school I probably farted and someone heard it and they probably still talk about it. I live on this fine line that I have worked very hard to maintain. A line where on the outside I look like your average working mom, tired but happy. On the inside I am a raging volcano ready to erupt and kill an entire city **not ACTUALLY kill an entire city, but you get what I mean** and the balance is so perfect that as long as nothing throws it off, I can continue on presenting this front to everyone I see that I have it all together, when in reality I am on the brink of erupting molten hot lava out of every orifice of my body. 

And don't get me started on the constant thought of how I am a disaster, not worthy of any sort of human interaction because I just make everything awkward. Or that I am not worthy or deserving of any human affection or love because I'm such a mess. Add into that being overweight and hating the way the fat hangs on my body or the roundness of my face, or the sausage fingers, or the thick thighs and no hips, and it would be safe to say I am constantly doubting myself.

So why am I writing this? I don't even know. Anyone who reads it will likely think I am crazy, but no one reads this stuff anyways. Because maybe I am all those things I think. And if anyone did read it, they probably will just make fun and joke about the crazy girl on the internet. 

Mental illness fucking sucks....

--B